The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.

The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place."

He says, "Hey, pal, I need a girl. Can you help me?"

The bartender says, "There's no girls in this town. But we do have Singaloo the cook..."

Dangerfield says, "Hey, man...I don't go for that shit."

He starts drinking again, and after a while, he approaches the bartender again.

He says, "Look, pal, any girl at all. I've got lots of bread, I'll take care of you, her, whatever."

The bartender says, "There ain't no girls, mac. But we do have Singaloo the Cook..."

Dangerfield gets pissed. He says, "I told you, I don't go for that shit." Dangerfield goes back to his table.

He has about six more martinis, and by then, he's loaded, and he can't take it anymore.

He goes up to the bar and says, "Okay, okay, Singaloo the cook. Fine. What do I do?"

The bartender says, "Go into the back room there, and I'll send in Singaloo and R.L. and Maurice in about ten minutes."

Dangerfield says, " R.L. and Maurice? Who the hell are R.L. and Maurice?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're gonna hold him. Singaloo doesn't go for that shit, either."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

O O

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?"(to the 2nd boy)
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

O O I said (pointing to the small circle) "This is your asshole before prison ...."

1st: Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!

2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?

1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!

So the second old man rushed to the store.

Clerk: May I help you?

Old man: Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please.

Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!

Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?

When the bus starts on its way the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the Lord.

"If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," said the bus driver(male), "you could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

Well the Hippie decides to try this out. So the next Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes, glowing, wearing a mask of God.

"I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, but you must have sex with me first."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!"

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!

Somebody mentioned that it was possible to get "pectoral inserts" for the "reasonable" cost of $6000.

I snickered, looked completely aghast and commented, "For $6000 you could get a personal trainer and get the same result without surgery."

Rob replied, "For $6000 you could get a woman who doesn't care what you look like."

"Many people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy -- and that's fine. Yet others want to make love nightly--and there's nothing wrong with that either. Let's take an informal survey of this class. Don't be embarrassed. Please answer honestly. How many people here make love more than twice a week?" A few hands shot up. "Twice a week?" A few more hands.

"Weekly, on average?" Many hands. "Once every two weeks?" he continued, and "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once a year?"

At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.

"Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "but if you only make love once a year, why are you so excited over it?"

Replied the student, "Tonight's the night!"

After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it.

The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig.

They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman.

She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there.

The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said, "Um...would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers,"A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,"A quickie, please." This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes". So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked.

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We then made love for hours.

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

He said to let go, and when she did, the pants fell to the floor. "Just to show you are not big enough to wear the pants in this family!", he said.

Later, after walking around in near nothing, she takes off her panties and tosses them to him. "Put these on", she instructed.

Of course, they came about to his knees. "I can't get in these", he said.

She replied "and you are not going to until you change that damned attitude, either!"

The next day he gets married. Here they are in their honeymoon suite...she walks out stark naked...

She says, "Look, honey. Untouched by human hands."

He's gotta think quick...

He pulls down his pants and says, "Look! Hah! Not even out of the crate."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the test of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.

"And he still believes in genies - ."

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, a 10-pack or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. Quickly, the boy offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Then minutes pass and still not movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

"...On the road again, just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M.A. and drags the poor guy back to the table.

"Look!" he says, and pulls the cork out again, "...On the road again..."

The M.A. is totally unimpressed... "So what?" he says.

"Isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" the guy asked.

"Are you kidding?" says the M.A. "Any asshole can sing country music!"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.
While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it.
When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

The doctor tells the man that he can alleviate the head pain by amputating his balls. The man tells the doctor that he has tried every treatment under the sun for the last 10 years and nothing has worked.

The doctor assures the man that removing his balls is the only solution. Reluctantly the man agrees to the surgery and get his balls removed.

In the recovery room the doctor asks the man how his head feels. "I can't believe it Doctor. This is the first time in 10 years I haven't had a headache. "Thank you Doctor for covincing me to go through with the surgery." the man said.

With that the man left the hospital and went to a mens clothing store to buy a whole new wardrobe to celebrate his new life without head pain. He told the tailor in the store to get all new clothes for him from head to toe.

The tailor looked at the man and said "You look like a 42 regular jacket, size 34 waist, 32 inch inseam, 16 inch neck, 34 inch sleeve, size 12 shoe and size 36 underwear. The man said "That's incredible you got every size correct except for the underwear, I wear a size 34."

The tailor said, "Please sir I know my business very well and I can tell that you wear a size 36 underwear." The man insisted, "Now look here, I know what size underwear I wear and I tell you I wear a size 34, I've worn a size 34 for the last 10 years now bring me a size 34 underwear."

The tailor said "Alright I'll bring you a size 34 but take my word for it, that size 34 underwear is going to squeeze your balls up next to your body so tight you're gonna get a big headache!

He pulls over and the officer says, "did you know you have a tail light out?" "No..." he says. Just then his loudmouthwife pitches in, "I *told* you your light was out! You should have listened to me!" At which the man says, "Be quiet, you harpy bitch!"

The State Patrolman then says, "did you also know that you were going ten-miles over the speed limit?" Before he can say anything the man's wife blurts out, "I *told* you you were going too fast! You should have listened to me!" "Shut up, you harpy bitch!" the man grumbles...

The State Patrolman looks at the pair quizzically. "Does he always speak to you like that?" he asks. "Only when he's drunk!" she replies....

you: "say, did you know there are four different types of orgasms?"

Frank (or whomever you happen to be telling the joke to...): "no."

you: "yeah... first, there is the positive orgasm: 'oh, YES! ohhhhhh, YESSS!!!'

next, the negative orgasm: 'oh, NO! ohhhhhhhhh, NOOOO!!!'

then, the religious orgasm: 'oh GOD! ohhhhhh GOD!'

finally, the *fake* orgasm: 'oh FRANK! ohhhhh FRAAAANK!!!!'

"You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests."

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse."

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy whispered something into the horses ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. 20 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on it's back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, nd helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods...

"Second wish," said the Chief.

"I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy.

"Give him his horse," said the Chief.

Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. 30 minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful red-head on it's back.

The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods...

"This is your last wish," said the Chief," make it a good one."

"I'll need my horse again." "Give him his horse," said the Chief.

The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head and put his face right up to the horse's.

"Look, it's *POSSE*, ok, *POSSE*!!!"

"I've got some bad news for you, Harry. It seems our profits are down and unless we let go of one of executives, I'm afraid we won't make this month's bills.
So I've narrowed it down to two choices. One is the new female head of accounting and other, I hate to say, is your best friend, Jack. I'm going to let you decide which one goes.

"But you can't fire Jack. He just bought a new house. His wife is due to have their baby anyday now, and not to mention, he's paying for an operation that his mother needs really bad. You just can't...," pleads the V.P.

Well. I'll make it easy for you," says the boss. "I'm going to send a memo to each instructing them to see you in the morning and first one who shows up to your office will be the one that you'll fire. Easy as that."

The next morning, the V.P. is sitting in his office when there comes a knock on the door. Harry is relieved to see it's the new woman from accounting.

"I got a memo to see you this morning, sir?" " Oh yes, come in and have a seat , won't you." as Harry circles around to the front of his desk and leans back upon it. "I have to make a very important decision so I guess I'll get right to the point. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

"I beg your pardon," she says.

"I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off," repeats the V.P.

"Well, all can I say is," as she leans forward and starts unbuckling his pants,"let's stop beating around the bush. I'm as horny as you are."
"But..but...but.," is all Harry can say before she drops to her knees and starts giving him head which leads to various versions of around-the world until he finally blows his load.

Just then his friend ,Jack, sticks his head through the door and says, "Hey old buddy, you wanted to see me?"

"You bet I do........you're fired."

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy," he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word , he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer."

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes

One sperm says to the other, "How far is it to the ovaries?"
The other one says, "Relax. We just passed the tonsils."

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute.

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How do we know God is a man?
Because if God were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.